April 2009
42 posts
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to miss your...
Dude, we know that “dehydration” is juuuuust showbiz code for “ran out of uppers to get me through the show” problem.
Nobody actually gets dehydration except Lindsay Lohan at the end of an ecstasy binge and people over 80 in the middle of a summer heatwave.
You know why? Because everybody knows you can prevent dehydration by (get this!) drinking a glass of water.
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to rob a dry...
Buddy, I don’t know if you saw “The Departed” recently…but last time I checked, there aren’t any ninjas in Boston.
And dude, go big or go home, you fell for the whole “I can’t open the drawer” trick?
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to get addicted...
I mean…couldn’t you have developed a cooler addiction? Addiction to video games usually only leads to thumb blisters, pale skin, and the loss of your virginity at age 37.
It’s not good to be addicted to drugs either, but at least drugs sometimes get cool holidays, help you win friends, and fight cancer.
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to make it rain?
Obviousy this is what you want to be doing.
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to incessantly...
“Emma is going to bed after a fun night!!!”
Really, Emma? You’re going to bed?! That is absolutely fucking fascinating. Please tell me more.
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to fall asleep...
Next time wear sunscreen.
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to wait until...
EPA officially declared today that carbon dioxide emissions are bad for the environment and contributing to global warming.
Um…..DUH
Everyone has pretty much known this for a long time…aren’t you guys supposed to be the scientists looking out for us? (yes…the “Soviet” in the article refers to the actual USSR scientists…not Russians who are still...
Miley Cyrus disses Radiohead Part 2: What kinda...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/13/jamie-foxx-to-miley-cyrus_n_186386.html
In an update to Miley Cyrus’s epically douchey tantrum and spoiled-brat threats to Radiohead, Jaime Foxx had some not-so-nice things to say about the flash-in-the-pan popstar on his weekend Sirius radio show, “The Foxx Hole.”
Some advice for Miley: “Make a sex and tape and grow up… Get like...
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to have "beef"...
Miley Cyrus apparently was mad when Radiohead didn’t want to meet her at the Grammys.
http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1606368/20090305/cyrus__miley.jhtml
So she said she vowed “to ruin” Radiohead.
Miley, (this is big-people talk now) Radiohead is one of the most sophisticated rock bands to ever be commercially successful. I don’t know if you know what this is, but...
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to invent a...
You clearly didn’t get laid enough in law school whoever you are. I know you have teams of law students updating this now for you…but seriously, what kinda douche woke up one day and was like “I think I’m going to invent a citation system to torture law students for the rest of time!”
I bet the “FIRST EDITION” of your citation system was greeted with...
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to leave the...
Four Retired Generals wrote an editorial in the Post claiming that the U.S. Military should not overturn the ban on homosexuals in the military….from what I could read there’s two reasons for this that they put forth:
First, being out in combat necessitates situations where you are in close contact with your fellow soldiers. To be blunt, what the authors of this article believe is...
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to promote safe...
It takes a very special kind of douche to believe that a winning marketing campaign can be built around the idea that every single one of our potential and unplanned children is a likely terrorist, dictator, or perpetrator of genocide.
But this is precisely the message of a new marketing campaign in Germany: Use a condom, or risk bringing the next Hitler, Mao, or Osama Bin Laden into the...
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to follow "In a...
Seriously Ken Starr, how you gotta represent yourself as succinct, and then use a bunch of words.
http://theplumline.whorunsgov.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/harold-koh_001.pdf
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to not be nice to...
Mel Gibson is getting divorced….. and he’s going to have to give up almost half a billi.
Dude….when you’ve got mad benjis in the bank, you need to be icing out your wife in Gucci. She stuck by you when you did “What Women Want” for God’s sake! (that movie was garbage).
Instead of suing you, she needs to be going jogging in Manolo Blahnik running shoes,...
What kinda douche do you gotta be to lose your...
People gave up a lot of things for lent. But seriously, you can’t un give up something. You know, God knows, and well, all those other people know (wink wink) - “You only [give it up] once!”
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23254178/
What kinda douche ya gotta be to think you're...
A highly-esteemed Australian judge was caught on camera going 6mph over the speed limit and received a 36 pound fine (roughly 4200 USD). What was his ultimate failure? Thinking he could lie like a champ.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7967982.stm
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to jock Louis...
Dude. There can only be one king. Well, two.
Now….you did make Thriller, but you then proceeded to destroy your coolness capital by making a shitty Pepsi commercial, constructing an homage to Peter Pan as your home, molesting the kid from “Home Alone,” molesting the next kid, molesting the kid after him, stealing the Beatles catalog, having two fake kids, and then molesting...
Throwback
What kinda douche do you gotta be to interrupt studying to direct us to the douchey thing you did last night to interrupt studying that became the subject of “Modesty” on this blog?
The kinda douche that gives up sending out the word of the day in order to blog on What Kinda Douche Do You Gotta Be.
3 tags
This tree got lost.
What kinda douche do you gotta be to think you are an internal organ when you are actually a tree?
This douche right here, apparently.
“They told me my coughing blood was not caused by any disease,” Sidorkin says.
“It was the needles poking the capillaries. It really hurt a lot. But I never felt like I had an alien object inside of me.”
It is obvious that a five-centimeter branch is too...
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to not be on a...
*****RING RING****
Employee: Yo boss…I just crashed the company ride into a bakery…I think there’s like frosting and croissants all up in the vents and shit…..
Employer: Dude…..were you frolicking?
Employee:….(silence)
Employer:Were you FROLICKING????
Employee: Boss…what the hell is a frolic? Isn’t that like dancing?
Employer: Only when...
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to encourage your...
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/12/AR2009041202703.html
Sure, you might live in Texas, but even that doesn’t justify a barrage of heart-and-rainbow-dotted letters letting AIG know that they are “not villains” and that all they need to do is, “keep working hard, dudees. Keep eating those vegatabos.”
I mean, it takes a real D-bag to have fourth graders writing:...
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to attend your...
I mean…murdering a 40 year old woman in your house and then claiming she played russian roulette in your foyer is d-d-d-douchey enough.
But dude…you got new species growing in the weave on the top of your dome! That shit is straight GREASY. You need to just shave it off and start over and tresemme your bald head to start correct from the very beginning.
You look like Gollum fucked...
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to say homeless...
Dude. WTF mate?
I don’t know if you were paying attention…but there was a massive earthquake in Italy last Wednesday.
Billionaire Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi “has reportedly suggested the 28,000 people left homeless by the Abruzzo earthquake should imagine they’re on a camping trip.”
“Monday’s earthquake killed more than 270 people,...
Modesty...
Whakindadouchyagoddabe to scream at the top of your lungs in public about your own blog posting to everybody who’s already read it:
“So, so yeah, and then I wrote, ‘A negative nellie!!!!!!!!!…”
What kinda douche ya gotta be to doubt the...
Recently overheard, a GW law student and well-known “Negative-Nellie” was arguing thatrescue of an American captain taken hostage by Somali pirates would not be possible. The area naysayer dismissed the suggestion that “the [U.S.] navy should blow there [sic] fuckin’ heads off” as the fanciful result of “watching too many Harrison Ford movies.”
Then...
What kinda douche do you gotta be to get a...
What kinda douche ya gotta be to click the "report...
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to go to a grad...
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to look up the...
I mean we all know that it’s a derogatory term derived from a previously solely clinical context…..but why is the word “douche” such an amazingly fun word to pronounce, use, and otherwise employ to describe someone?
...
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to try and...
We have reached a new low.
Doing a google search on the words “tumblr” and “douche” shows how many other people there are out there who have adopted our generation’s word for “jerk” or “asshole” in their blog titles. Clearly we aren’t as clever as we thought.
We are now actively trying to get our blog higher in the google...
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to lamify what...
Um…I don’t know if you know this, but your dipshit candidate who you kept in office for 8 years (even though all the smart people knew he was stoopid) took the country into a war that cost 2 trillion dollars, further deregulated the shadow financial markets, allowed multi-millionaire hedge fund managers to be taxed at effectively 15%, and blew the budget surplus that the last good guy...
Amazonfail update
Currently the #2 Google search result for the phrase “amazon rank”:
amazon rank Function: verb Inflected Form(s): amazon ranked
1. To censor and exclude on the basis of adult content in literature (except for Playboy, Penthouse, dogfighting and graphic novels depicting incest orgies). 2. To make changes based on inconsistent applications of standards, logic and common sense.
...
2 tags
Amazon.com hates the gays, apparently
What kinda douche do you gotta be to pull the sales rank numbers from hundreds of gay and lesbian books? This basically means the books whose rank numbers have been stripped won’t show up in some search results and lists.
This is the response one author got to his query:
In consideration of our entire customer base, we exclude “adult” material from appearing in some searches...
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to make a polar...
Everyone knows polar bears are like the nicest big puffy white things on the planet. All they do is like eat snow, go fishing, and pose for nature glamour shots. Have you ever seen a polar bear jump from glacier to glacier…that shit is fucking AMAZING!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LMmu-DKaQ0
You’ve gotta be a pretty serious douche-face for a polar bear to want to bite you…
...
3 tags
Inaugural Post
What kinda douche do ya gotta be to start a narcissistic weblog during finals?